Happy New Year. Now let’s get awkward. I am generally prepared for whatever version of ‘reality’ Bravo TV wants to throw at me, but this week on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, I was sufficiently shocked. Which is now turning into disgust.
Quote of the Night
Sexy Wiccan Carlton Gebbia is building a ‘burlesque room’ in her witch castle for her husband (who has to be related to Steve Van Zandt, right?), equipped with sexy clothes and a sexy stage. To keep her marriage hot and heavy, she does what any loving wife would do and gathers up her husband and mother-in-law and treks to the Hustler store in West Hollywood for some merch. And her husband David Gebbia is totally, unequivocally on board:
"My mom and Carlton have a great relationship..they’re very open with each other…so (my mom) going with Carlton to Hustler and picking out bikinis, its kinda what we do."
You know what I do with my mother-in-law? Eat brunch. You know what I’d do if I was in a situation where I had to shop for S&M gear with my husband and mother-in-law? I’ld intentionally soil myself to distract everyone from lingerie shopping. Also, I would find this much less humiliating than shopping for sex apparel with my husband and mother-in-law.
Puerto Rican beauty queen Joyce is a delight. And sometimes she speaks Spanish. And this is just crossing the line for some of these beverly hills troglodytes, who fight back with drunken slurs and revenge bulimia, because nothing says ‘I own you’ like a flat stomach and rotten teeth. Brandi, queen of the lushes, is not putting up with Joyce’s nice demeanor or her first language.
"Joyce goes into her Spanish all the time..what are you saying?…It’s just really bitchy."
Why are people so mad about teenage bullying when the pandemic of bilingualism is so much more hurtful, you guys? Hasn’t anyone seen Iñárritu’s Babel? Bad things happen when people speak different languages and also Brad Pitt is sad.
Kim Richards, recovering alcoholic and former child star (I know. I can’t believe I just wrote both those descriptors in the same sentence, either) got a pit bull—Kingsley—to fill the void left by sobriety, and she hasn’t been able to train him because she’s too needy, and the dog’s like “Lady, back off. You smell like prescription drugs.” So she has to hire some military dog trainer who has taken the dog for a few weeks of obedience summer camp. Military dog trainer sends Kim a video of her dog’s progress, which she promptly watches with her son (who’s channelling Eminem) and weeps:
"Kingsely been away at doggy rehab for about a week."
I think Kim thinks that anytime someone or something leaves, they go to rehab. Since she’s been in rehab most of her life, maybe this is to be expected. ”We need milk sweetie…can you go out to grocery rehab to get some?” ”Where’d my son Eminem go?” ”It’s okay mom, I was just at strip club rehab for the night.”
All the men on RHOBH apparently have these same hair dresser. Princess Diana’s hairdresser.