Camille Paglia loves Housewives, too? Huh.

Well I never thought I’d write the following, but apparently psuedo/anti feminist/original troller Camille Paglia and I DO have something in common..shudder…(Unless she’s trolling again) —a deep appreciation for the BravoTV brand of reality television.  She writes in a blog post on bravotv.com:

"I appreciate every snippet—the rapid scene set-ups, dynamic camera work, and crisp editing, with its enchanting glimpses of fine houses and restaurants and its glowing appreciation of beautiful objects, from flowers and tableware to jewelry and couture." 

Oh my god, me too Camille Paglia.  I love nothing more than a sweeping pan of Lisa Vanderpumps dinner party set-ups.

"The torment and tears on Real Housewives are real—from Jacqueline Laurita's pained hope for her autistic son in New Jersey to Kandi Burruss's struggle for freedom against her mother in Atlanta.”

No one believes me when I say that, Camille Paglia.  It’s like you’re the only one who understands. 

"The Real Housewives franchise isn’t entertainment to me—it’s a lifestyle."

DROP THE MIC, CAMILLE PAGLIA! Seriously though, drop it, because everything else you have to say is reactionary, essentialist, grossly oversimplified, offensive, and maddening.  But anytime you wanna talk about Phaedra Parks and her lavish birthday parties for her children, I’m all ears. 

http://www.bravotv.com/blogs/the-dish/camille-paglia-why-i-love-the-real-housewives

That ‘Spriritual Zone’


When we last left Porsha Stewart—recent divorcee of Kordell Stewart and granddaughter of civil rights activist Hosea Williams—she was buying a house she couldn’t afford, and learning that the Underground Railroad was not, in fact, a literal functioning railroad.
This week, in Porsha’s self-discovery, she auditions for a musical that Grammy-winning housewife Kandi Burruss is producing and directing.

Quote of the Night
Porsha plans to sing ‘His Eye is on the Sparrow’ for her audition and she feels it’s a good pick because she can nail gospel music.

"I’m gonna sing a gospel song so I’m know I’m gonna be convicted."

I guess I was wrong. Maybe Porsha has committed unspeakable crimes, and has some sort of neurological tick where anytime she sings gospel she ends up revealing her transgressions.  ‘Oh Happy Day, when I committed arson…’

Or it’s conviction…sing with conviction, Porsha.

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Runner Up
Porsha aced her audition for the musical.  Yay Porsha! When talking about her secret to success, she squeals: 

"I am not sure how I did…I just blacked out and went into this spiritual zone." 

I imagine this is how Porsha goes through life—just blacking out and ‘going with God’, because god knows t’s not formidable brain power getting her through.   

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Honorable Mention
Peter Thomas, husband of Cynthia Bailey, has to attend a charity event where a bunch of the housewives fight and forget that the point was charity.  Peter is mad because charity is important, right? So he starts picking fights with the housewives (for charity’s sake).  He gets so mad, he has to cool off and step away, otherwise:

"Its about to be a fiasco in here."

And I just got a new catchphrase.  See you all next week, when it’s gonna be a fiasco up in here.

Riddle: When two men with ‘roid rage meet on The Real World, do two positive drug tests equal a negative?

imageIn breaking news, The Real World: Ex-Plosion has gone on hiatus until the Olympics are over because all three of its viewers are watching Slopestyle, brah (myself included). But just to give you you’re fill, here’s the deal. The roommates went on vacation and when they got back the producers had all their most recent ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends move in. Quelle surprise. Can you even imagine the drama that ensued and will continue to persist the rest of the season?! Oh, what’s that? You totally can picture this train wreck and are a bit bored by it? Fine, me too. Anyway, meet Douchebag Brian, ex-boyfriend of cast-mate Jenny. Jenny has been messing around with another castmate Corey who is also a douchebag and looks just like Brian.  

Quote of the Night
Brian is trying to show the castmates that you can’t mess with him. So he does what any grown-ass-man would do. He looks to the window sill and says with defiance:

"I bet you I can box jump this."

And then DOES box jump onto the window sill. So many times. And each time he box jumps, he gains more manliness and some other man loses some of his manliness, because manliness is a zero sum game and eventually, with enough box jumps, Brian will be the only man left in the world. And at that point, he’ll feel ready to share his poems with the rest of the world, because he might be a dude, but he’s a dude with a lot of feelings, and backne due to overuse of HGH.

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Other house douchebag and ‘Roid-rager Corey was super shocked by the influx of new roommates/ex-lovers. About the experience of being surprised:

"(The show) took a whole 360 turn."

Oh, so maybe he’s not really surprised after all. Because to be clear, a 360 rotation would mean everything’s back to normal. Or maybe a side effect of rampant steroid abuse is experiencing shock and awe very quickly, then processing these changes very quickly, and then being able to emotionally regulate very quickly so that everything goes back to status quo very quickly. Who knew steroids were such a mood stabilizer. Thanks Corey! 

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Honorable Mention
Sweet Jenny. Poor Jenny. She and Brian have a heart-to-heart about their relationship on the window sill after he’s done brutalizing that sill with some sweet box jumps:

There’s no one else that I want to have a family with, there’s no one else in this whole entire world that I’d rather raise my children than you.”

I bet MTV Producers are just salivating over the spin-off series. “It’s going to be be just like our Teen Mom series, but with people in their 20s who are a bit less capable. I hope they name the baby ‘Real World’.”  And you know what?  They probably will.

dinnerwithstu:

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On Tuesday night we performed our stand up sets, thus murdering an item on our bucket lists. MURDERING.

Oh what’s that, you missed the show because you “had a previous commitment” or you “live out of town” or your “life doesn’t revolve around us?” Well good thing we have it all recorded.

dinnerwithstu:

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Last night, Miley Cyrus did a concert on MTV’s ‘Unplugged’ and it was transcendent. Say what you will about everything else about her, but that girl has PIPES. And Dolly Parton is her godmother, which supersedes the douchiness of her real parents. And she seems pretty in control of her image….

"Let’s just keep in classy": Famous Last Words on the Real World

imageTonight brings with it the second installment of the ratings juggernaut,  MTV Real World: Ex-Plosion. It includes some gimmick where the roommates’ ex-boy and girlfriends will be dropped in the house in a few weeks blah blah none of that matters because we’ve just all been kicked in the face by America’s most aggressive garbage bin: Ashley.

Quote of the Night
I would say Ashley gets wasted on her first night in the house but that would be the understatement of the year, and it’s only January.  So what’s the drinking equivalent of Hiroshima. Because Ashley was that. And because Hiroshima drunk is not loving drunk, she lashes out at her roommates: 

 ”I don’t know who (Jamie’s) family is but I promise my family would buy and sell her family.”

Ashley had been saving this particular slave-insult for a truly special public forum like reality TV. She knew in her heart of hearts all of America was rising from their lazy boys and slowly clapping in unison. She knew it was just a matter of time until the confederacy* would rise again.

*Ashley grew up in West Virginia, (though she tells everyone she’s from San Francisco because she’s lived there for a second) a state that abolished slavery before the civil war.  How vintage that she’s trying to bring it back.  

Runner Up
Poor Ashley. In her drunken stupor she became agitated because her roomates were ‘being mean’ to her. (What’s so wrong with buyin’ and sellin’ families, you guys?) She proclaims:

"Let’s see what the house does without Ashley here."

And with that, Ashley has LeBron James-ed herself. If you’re going to refer to yourself in the third person, we’re going to need you to leave.

Honorable Mention
During the introductions, when the MTV Producers are interviewing Ashley and showing clips of her boating with her friends, she states:

"Let’s just keep it classy."

Famous last words. Need I say more?  No, but I will. On this episode Ashley ran through the streets of San Francisco weeping in a tiny bikini, she exposed herself in a dance club, and she DRUNK DIALED HER GRANDPARENTS. DROP.THE.MIC.

Of Gods and Housewives

Things got church on this week’s RHOBH.image
Quote of the Night
Beauty queen Joyce is angry because washed-up model Brandi Glanville has been mean to her.  But she she doesn’t hold a grudge:

"If God could forgive what humanity did to his son, who am I to not forgive Brandi for being such a stupid little bitch."

So just to be clear, Joyce, you are drawing a parallel between the father, the son, the Romans, Judas and your cat fight with Brandi? Cool. I’m sure right now God is super happy about forgiving humanity so that humanity could go forth and do God’s work by creating television shows about women who do nothing but perpetuate horrible stereotypes while approximately 3 million viewers tune in to gawk weekly. 

God’s like:

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Runner Up
Kim’s dog is back from doggy rehab with David the trainer. And Kim has anthropomorphized the shit out of this dog. (Speaking for her dog):

"I’ll tell you what time I missed my mom the most…at David’s I sleep in this crate.  At home I sleep on a European king fluffy mattress with a down quilt.”

Putting aside for a moment the fact that Kim speaks for her dog, what she’s really describing here is just a bed with a blanket, right?  Wait, not even a bed..just a mattress and a blanket.  She just seems like that guy we all dated with just a mattress on his floor and clothes strewn about.  

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Honorable Mention
Kyle forces her shy 13 year-old daughter to model in her charity fashion show where Jamie Lee Curtis was the MC.  Can you believe Jamie Lee Curtis was available!? About her daughter’s reluctance, Kyle replies:

"As a child I actually was shy and my mom pushed me into acting to help me overcome my shyness."

Yeah, it was Kyle’s mother’s selflessness, benevolence and acute motherly instinct that pushed her daughter to act. Life skills, sure.  Well Kyle, you should expect to see your daughter in 30 years from now as a washed up child star who’s raging against the dying of the light by teaming up with her geriatric mother on the 35th season of RHOBH—Bikini edition.

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Final Thoughts
Carlton put on just the part of a hockey sweater with neck strings.

“Meet Nene Leakes, one of the top actresses in America.” Wha?

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This week’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta was all about delusions of grandeur. 

Quote of the Night
Porsha Stewart is in the midst of a messy divorce from retired NFL player Kordell Stewart. She has no discernable income of her own or any marketable skills and is unsure if she’s getting spousal support and now she has purchased herself an 8000 square foot mansion with 6 bedrooms. When questioned about the cost by her very reasonable family, she says:

"This move for me is a ‘believe in Porsha move’."

Because fiduciary responsibility is best left to the dreamers. What ever happened to a few well gin and tonics and a one-night go with that beta male who was always way too interested in you?  That’s mistake won’t cost you millions, just a little piece of your soul.

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Runner Up
So another retired NFL player, Chuck Smith, invited housewives Nene and Phaedra to come talk to kids at the Boys and Girls Club in Athens, Georgia.  And this is how he introduces Nene:

“Meet Nene Leakes, one of the top actresses in America.” 

Um. What?  Nene-that was YOU in The Iron Lady?! My god, what a transformation.  And you killed me in Kramer vs. Kramer.  I died.  (We don’t have to discuss ‘Prime’. Everyone makes mistakes, right?) 

Honorable Mention
Chuck also introduces Phaedra as:

 “One of the top lawyers in America.” 

You know who Phaedra represented? Bobby Brown.  I’m not saying she doesn’t have legal chops, but if she was one of the best in the country, wouldn’t she be representing someone far richer and more nefarious than Bobby Brown, like Big Tobacco or Prince Joffrey? 

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Final Thoughts
Those are CRAZY eyes. 

 

Speaking Spanish is just mean…according to RHOBH


Happy New Year.  Now let’s get awkward. I am generally prepared for whatever version of ‘reality’ Bravo TV wants to throw at me, but this week on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, I was sufficiently shocked. Which is now turning into disgust.

Quote of the Night
Sexy Wiccan Carlton Gebbia is building a ‘burlesque room’ in her witch castle for her husband (who has to be related to Steve Van Zandt, right?), equipped with sexy clothes and a sexy stage.  To keep her marriage hot and heavy, she does what any loving wife would do and gathers up her husband and mother-in-law and treks to the Hustler store in West Hollywood for some merch. And her husband David Gebbia is totally, unequivocally on board:

"My mom and Carlton have a great relationship..they’re very open with each other…so (my mom) going with Carlton to Hustler and picking out bikinis, its kinda what we do."

You know what I do with my mother-in-law? Eat brunch. You know what I’d do if I was in a situation where I had to shop for S&M gear with my husband and mother-in-law?  I’ld intentionally soil myself to distract everyone from lingerie shopping.  Also, I would find this much less humiliating than shopping for sex apparel with my husband and mother-in-law. 


Runner Up
Puerto Rican beauty queen Joyce is a delight.  And sometimes she speaks Spanish.  And this is just crossing the line for some of these beverly hills troglodytes, who fight back with drunken slurs and revenge bulimia, because nothing says ‘I own you’ like a flat stomach and rotten teeth.  Brandi, queen of the lushes, is not putting up with Joyce’s nice demeanor or her first language.

"Joyce goes into her Spanish all the time..what are you saying?…It’s just really bitchy."

Why are people so mad about teenage bullying when the pandemic of bilingualism is so much more hurtful, you guys? Hasn’t anyone seen Iñárritu’s Babel?  Bad things happen when people speak different languages and also Brad Pitt is sad.


Honorable Mention
Kim Richards, recovering alcoholic and former child star (I know. I can’t believe I just wrote both those descriptors in the same sentence, either) got a pit bull—Kingsley—to fill the void left by sobriety, and she hasn’t been able to train him because she’s too needy, and the dog’s like “Lady, back off.  You smell like prescription drugs.”  So she has to hire some military dog trainer who has taken the dog for a few weeks of obedience summer camp. Military dog trainer sends Kim a video of her dog’s progress, which she promptly watches with her son (who’s channelling Eminem) and weeps:  

"Kingsely been away at doggy rehab for about a week."

I think Kim thinks that anytime someone or something leaves, they go to rehab.  Since she’s been in rehab most of her life, maybe this is to be expected.  ”We need milk sweetie…can you go out to grocery rehab to get some?”  ”Where’d my son Eminem go?”  ”It’s okay mom, I was just at strip club rehab for the night.”  

Final Thoughts
All the men on RHOBH apparently have these same hair dresser. Princess Diana’s hairdresser. 

The Underground Railroad was not, in fact, a railroad

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This week, the housewives of Atlanta took a trip to Savannah, Georgia for some R&R.  While there, they visited a historic church that had been a stop on the Underground Railroad and their tour guide pointed out a crawl space under the church that served as a route for many who were trying to escape slavery.

Quote of the Night
Porsha Stewart, granddaughter of civil rights activist and philanthropist, Hosea Stewart, was really engaged in the discussion of the role of this church in the Underground Railroad. And then this:

"There has to be an opening for the railroad at some point because someone’s driving the train."

You thought a large vigilante hero train was quietly traveling the South underground, unbeknownst to slave owners, making stops to pick up escaped slaves and drive them to freedom? That is the dumbest ide…Quentin Tarantino just wrote a new movie.   

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Runner Up
Phaedra and Kandi were out and about in Savannah and spotted a hearse/bus conducting a ‘ghost tour’ of haunted mansions.  They introduced themselves to the tour manager and he introduced himself too:

"My Name is Peg Leg Ron."

Peg Leg Ron only has one leg. I like the Lockean ethos of the people of Savannah who prefer a simpler time when people were only defined by one characteristic—their true essence, if you will. “I’m tech-savvy Todd, and here’s my buddy, Backne Jim.” Think about how much more succinct everyone’s online profiles would be! “You can either have a favorite hobby or a favorite musician, but not both, so what’s it gonna be?”

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Honorable Mention
The Housewives were talking about how they keep their men happy.  Nene Leakes asserts:

I have a career and I f**K my husband everyone week.

This may have been one of the most honest, unscripted moments on reality television.  ”Sure, that seems about right,” said all BravoTV viewers in unison.